Relationships Matter

This book is a comprehensive guide to recognizing and dealing with domestic abuse and violence. It outlines the different types and stages of abuse, and provides information on how to change such relationships or escape from them.

User Reviews about Free Yourself From an Abusive Relationship

This book provides comprehensive and valuable information for anyone who wants to understand unhealthy relationships and how to deal with them. -- Thorough Resource

-Free Yourself- is pretty much what it promises to be: a CBT-based bibliotherapy designed to move abusees from the denial stage through contemplation and identification into the first activities of commitment and relapse prevention.

Very well-organized according to modern "patient-education-ism," the book guides victims, family members and therapists alike through the basics of the "spousal abuse paradigm." (I expect it will also have a great deal of utility for domestic violence counselors and therapists who manage court-deferment "anger management" groups focused on spouse abuse.)

-FY- lists seven steps to freedom on page 2-4: recognition, understanding, preparation, getting help, staying or leaving, healing, and relapse prevention, followed immediately by a CBT-style self-questionnaire (as are most of the chapters) to assist in movement through denial or uncertainty through contemplation.

The four typical stages of abuse (buildup, incident, honeymoon, burial) and six types of abuse (emotional, physical, sexual, social, financial and religious / spiritual) are listed and explained in brief on pages 10-12.

Each of the types of abuse are then examined in depth (pp. 14-29), with emotional abuse receiving the greatest amount of detail including a rundown of 16 specific categories: blame, confusion, dominance, corruption, criticism, intimidation, isolation, manipulation, neglect, obsessive behavior, invasion (boundary breeching), ridicule, threat, triangulation involving children, male privilege, and verbal harassment.

(Handle with care: For many abusees, this section is a lot more than an eye-opener. In my experience, about a fifth of "career victims" become very angry and projective after such discovery... often transferring their uncovered rage onto the therapist or each other in groups, as well as acting out in unfortunate ways with their abusers.)

-FY- takes a quick look at 21 characteristics of abusers and 12 interpersonal danger signals on pages 53-62 before moving on to a list of 15 reasons people stay in abusive relationships (pp. 68-80). The therapist, clinical social worker or psychologist who works with these people will grasp quickly that the lists, while hugely useful as contemplation and identification tools, have further potential to upset the affective apple cart with Kernberg-Meissner Level III and IV borderlines and dissociatives.

Again, caution is suggested, as painful memories and affects (especially including intolerable shame) are likely to be triggered at the lower, semi-psychotic, borderline levels.

The authors also examine sexually abused, non-sexually abused and neglected children - providing a list of 16 typical characteristics - on pp. 103-110, that I found to be pretty solid based on my own experience working with adults molested as children for quite some time now. Adolescent and senior citizen demonstrations are also discussed (pp. 110-115), though, in my view, far too little is written here about the latter. That said, many good books are available on the topic.

Pages 118-234 (step six) and 236-279 (step seven) provide practical measures for self-protection and relationship egress, though, once again, my experience says many of the suggestions will not be within the very limited capacities of Level III and IV borderlines. Trained in Linehan's DBT and Benjamin's IRT (among other things), it's evident to me that ego-splitting, boundary diffusion, dissociation, multiple perspective and "codependence" are all features in the hard-core "victim" on the Karpman Drama Triangle (about which I have written exhaustively).

I would have very much liked to have seen discussion of abuse overlaid onto that old, games-theory-derived Drama Triangle (which I have found to be the best single graphic tool in my arsenal to explain both the interpersonal dynamics and how to avoid them), as well as participation in the Co-Dependents Anonymous 12 Step program as a long-term strategy for commitment and relapse prevention stages of recovery, but alas...

Nevertheless, -FY- is a terrific introduction or enhancement for the professional and layperson alike. Used with appropriate caution, it looks like a fine device to lend velocity in the HMO / PPO mandate for "fast, fast, fast relief." -- Would Have Liked just a Little More, but...

This book effectively deals with domestic abuses without pointing fingers at gender or stereotyping a race or economic group... one of the only ones I have ever seen!!! The text is lively and accessible to lay people and professionals alike (without having that all too common patronizing tone). This is truly a guidebook for dealing with ALL abusive situations in life. Steps to take and honest help are plainly layed out to the reader. At reading, one is given the impression that they are befriended and supported by an intelligent, eloquent and educated team. Andrea Lissette is definitely a woman who should never stop helping others through her writing!!! -- ENLIGHTENING, CONCISE AND IMPARTIAL!!!

This is one of the few domestic violence books that is written in gender neutral terms, and includes examples of men who are victimized by their wives. -- Finally, a book for male victims of domestic violence.