Relationships Matter

One in three girls will be in a controlling, abusive dating relationship before she graduates from high school--from verbal or emotional abuse to sexual abuse or physical battering. Is your daughter in danger?

Dr. Jill Murray speaks on the topic of dating violence at high schools around the country, reaching more than 10,000 students, teachers, and counselors each year. In every school she visits, she is approached by teenage girls in miserable relationships who, when confronted with the option of breaking up with the boy, exclaim, "But I love him!"

• Many young women--and their parents--aren't even aware of the indications of a potentially abusive relationship. What's most alarming is that these warning signs are also some of the behaviors that girls find most flattering:

• A boy pages and calls a girl often--but as a form of control, not affection.

• He wants to spend all his time with her, but eventually won't allow her to spend time with her friends.

• He says "I love you" very early in the relationship.

These behaviors can escalate into blaming, isolating, manipulating, threatening, humiliation, and sexual and physical abuse.

In But I Love Him, Dr. Murray identifies these controlling, abusive patterns of behavior and helps you get your daughter out of the relationship without alienating her. You will learn what draws her to this type of relationship, why she has a hard time talking to you about it, the special barriers teens face when breaking off a relationship, and what's going on in the mind of a teen abuser. Dr. Murray will help you show your teen what a respectful relationship looks like--and teach her the importance of respecting herself.

User Reviews about But I Love Him: Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Controlling - Abusive Dating Relationships

A bit of a long-winded essay on misandry. The author's tone often borders on hysteria. Real solutions are not really offered (unless you consider draconian measures which are not far from child-abuse, in my opinion). This is not a book for a parent who is looking to prevent these tragedies for her daughter in the distant future (as is my case). It does not provide measured, sober, long-term preventive means to build up your daughter's self-esteem to stop this from happening. On the contrary, it seems to be written for the parent who is in the middle of this drama, who considers his or her daughter to be mentally unfit, and has no problem stating this to the daughter --- loud and clear (how this is supposed to boost her self-esteem is beyond me). It is the book of a frantic parent who is prepared to sieze the jawbone of an ass and slaughter thousands to protect their daughter. I'm sure I would react the same way in that situation... but I am not now in that situation, so this book was not really writtenf or me. -- I was expecting better

Before I tell people who I meet that my life mission is to guide women and girls to earn trust in themselves, I often have the privilege of being asked relationship or mother/daughter questions by girls between the ages of 14 and 21.

With the comments that I've heard, lately, I feel compelled to review this excellent book, in hopes that those whom I haven't spoken to find something in both this review, and in Dr. Murray's book, to guide them to earn trust in themselves.

To earn trust in themselves does require you to accept the reality of now, and to admit what you may have up to now not admitted (If you have trouble doing this, this admission is a great beginning).

Let's start with what makes abusive relationships different from teen girls, versus women who are much older.

With teen girls the priorities are:
1. Peer approval (this is usually about image, not reality)
2. Gender-role expectations (some girls are taught that
having a boyfriend is analogous to being lovable)
3. Lack of experience (as a teen, you are trying to work out a
life that hasn't been lived)
4. Little contact with adult resources (with mother's feeling
threatened by their daughter's youth, many daughters have
difficulty finding role models)
5. Less access to societal resources (most require parental
involvement)
6. Less access to the legal leverage (the laws assume that the
daughter doesn't need this support)
7. She fantasizes about who he could be, with her help
(See, "The Princess Who Believes in Fairy Tales")
8. Once in the relationship, she decides that she can't get
out of it, even if she wanted to (See, "My Mother/Myself)
9. She doesn't know that both of them are willing participants
in the struggle to be with someone, while avoiding their
fear of recreating their past dramas (See, "Narcissim")
10. Unspoken social pressure has taught her to avoid herself,
that is avoid being visible to other girls, by going out of
her way to make a guy her project (See, "101 Lies Men Tell
Women: And Why Women Believe Them")

For the older women, the challenge is:
1. Social pressure to prove that she is a woman, as defined by the "invisible woman out there"
2. Financial needs
3. Blaming her inadequacies (imagined or real
4. Her decision that her needs are too great
5. Domestic Violence professional's expect her to experience
this again, at least 7 times, before she will be free, or
dead

This is a wonder book, written for parents, but certainly good for young girls to also read.

What I did not see in this book is something that I have seen again and again from those who are abused is that in the moment that the abuser attacks the girl's worthiness, what she does is choke off her own breathing. This causes her to cut off her thoughts. This also causes her punish herself for the idea of her being angry at what he is doing to her.

For all the teen girls who think that his jealousy, possessiveness, manipulation, or attempts to isolate you from being close to others is cute, or loving you, I invite you to assert these 5 statements, with unwavering conviction,each time you experience his jealousy, possessivesness, manipulation, or attempts to isolate you:
1. I don't like what is happening to me.
2. There is something here that does violence to me.
3. I deserve better than this.
4. I can do something about this.
5. I will do something about this, now.
6. I will not allow this to happen to me, again.

Besides these statements, and reading this book, I invite teen girls and women to stop asking yourselves, "Why does he act this way?"

When you spend time asking questions about why he is treating you terribly, you make his problems into being your responsibility. And this means that you will be trapped into believing that you are inadequate, because you cannot control his self-concept. You can, however, influence the boy/man's behavior, by reading books like Dr. Murray's book, as you make the commitment to love yourself.

By reading a book like this one, and truly making the commitment to master the lessons in this book, you will make sure that less girls and women are abused, because when the lessons of this book become part of your core identity, you will recognize the signs of abuse; you will speak up for yourself, in the present moment; you will congruently tell the guy that his issues are not your issues; and you will show him that not every female is willing to pity his unwillingness to face his fear of his fears - and the world will change. -- First Time A Victim, Second Time You Volunteered

I bought this book for myself just to keep informed about teens' issues. My daughter, then 13, saw the book and began devouring it and analyzing her relationships. She made immediate changes in one friendship, deciding that she shouldn't put up with being hit or belittled anymore. Now, a year later, she is buying the book for a friend who accepts controlling behavior from her boyfriend. -- Teens like it too

What a wonderful book - it is so easy to fall into an abusive relationship. We need all the help we can get to protect our daugthers. Not only do we need to protect daugthers from abusive relationships, we also need to show and teach them how to love themselves. In Creating Extraordinary Joy, Chris Alexander show us how to love ourselves and others. - Thanks, Chris and Jim. -- Great Advise